About Us
Redemption Road is a Christ-Centric, faith based mentoring program that is targeted to leading strugglers with pornography and sexual addiction issues to to a redemptive life free of sexual sin. It also can include mentoring spouses dealing with the trauma effects of their partner's betrayal to them. Strugglers and spouses may work independently or in a couples program. Mentoring has been demonstrated to be one of the most effective tools for delivering long-term recovery - led by mentors who have walked the same path and dealt with the same roadblocks.
John's Story
Any story about redemption generally has to begin with a story about a fall. Usually, I think about a fall as something sudden like if you trip and fall. But in my story there was no sudden jolt but rather more of a gradual slide. I can always recall a fascination and intrigue with sex. And I believe that another character trait that I possess also played a part in this slide and that is that inside I sometimes believe sense that I am inadequate or don’t measure up which leads me in my mind to wanting or wishing to be more of what I am or perhaps even something else. This is strange I suppose I might be considered to have been successful in most aspects through my life. What I mean by this is that with some aspects of my life, while on the outside things might appear good and that I ought to be satisfied, I personally felt as if I was something of a fraud. The fascination regarding sex and pornography didn’t become addiction until the mid-90’s. Until that time I never wanted to be seen buying “those kind of materials” but with the rapid development and access to pornography and related applications on the internet I began to sense that I could now ‘sneak’ these things in and keep it hidden from all others. This was where my so-called slide into addiction took a much steeper path.
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The first ‘bottom’ happened when Kathy found a letter I had written to another woman. We were at a stage of our lives where we were constantly busy with kids and life in general and where, in my mind, the intimacy between us as lacking. I became susceptible to the not-so-subtle lure of developing a chatroom relationship with another woman. This bottomed out with Kathy’s discovery of the letter. We went to counseling, first with a pastor, and then I began going to a faith-based therapist who was referenced by the pastor. While the pastor did offer some aid, the reality was that he was not at all prepared or understanding of the issue and how to deal with it. I was sober for a fairly long period of time primarily what would be called White Knuckling It thinking I was in control of things but eventually would slip into a pattern of going back to the internet when ‘I thought I would get away it.’ This would last not very long as I would eventually realize the insanity of it and begin the white-knuckle process again, only to repeat things out and get caught by Kathy online. They call addiction the FORGETTERS DISEASE. This is a reality because each relapse resulted in severe pain. It is truly unbelievable that somehow you can forget the reality and severity of that pain and venture back down the same path that takes you there. I just used the term insanity and that is what it really is. You think you’re a sane and rational individual but your actions speak to a different story. I believe it was Einstein who said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over and thinking somehow, you’d get a different result. That is the insane reality of an addict’s thinking.
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But SURRENDER???
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Following a last relapse Kathy left to stay with one of our kids for an undetermined period of time. Based more on her ultimatums I joined a Sexaholics Anonymous daily meeting conference call. Also she’d found a reference to a Braveheart’s Summit that was streaming online and we both began to follow the sessions. I say based on her ultimatums because I still clearly knew I could control and handle things and could stop on my own for good. The insanity was still working on me. But through the SA meetings and the Summit I was able to see others in the same (but different) situation as me. Eventually I came more to grips with what the first three steps of the 12 steps are all about – Surrender. When you still want to be in control its hard to surrender your ego and wants, to turn it over to God. Not in the expectation that just turning it over to God will get you there. A saying in SA is that “without God you can’t – but without YOU God won’t!”
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I’ve often tried to understand exactly how God speaks to us. It would be a lot easier for me to figure it out if I could stumble on a burning bush. But that isn’t what faith is about. My recollection is a car ride where Kathy and I had time to talk about how it was God who put us here in these situations so that we would do his work as a mentoring ministry. No bolt of thunder but finally a slap to the head that even I could figure out. For me, this realization was the real beginning to my redemption road.
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We aren’t there yet because I’m not really sure what there is going to be. We still have our arguments and disagreements but thankfully not about these issues. I am free of the compulsions and habitual behaviors that were destroying our lives together - but always recognize that this is a long journey. For me the best way to keep what I have is to give it away which is why mentoring others is a blessing. Kathy is healing, but I realize this takes time – much more than for an addict. With trust in God and the mutual support with Kathy we’ll continue our journey – not alone but together with each other and with all of those we’ll be supporting.
kathy's Story
Writing one’s story, actually seeing the words on paper or on a screen, is an overwhelming experience. I have heard it said, the more you tell your story, the easier is becomes, in truth, it does. Something about writing it down makes it seem like the past is set in stone and nothing can be changed. I’m so grateful and humbled by the immense love that God has for me, He keeps no records of wrongs. (Jeremiah 31:34, Micah 7:19; 1 Cor.13:4-8a). My personality, I not only keep a ‘record of wrongs’ that was done to me but I have used those wrongs to cause hurt, hurt to John.
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My very first awareness of any problems in our marriage was in the 1996 when John and I shared an office (we were married in 1974, 22yrs). It was a Saturday and we (John, Myself, our children and our exchange student) were getting ready to leave town for a family funeral and then take some side trips on the way home. John had said that he had to run into the office to get some ‘quick work’ done before we left town. I stayed back to help the kids pack but then realized I also had to get some papers filed for one of my clients. When I got to the office John was at the copy machine and I saw a letter that he had addressed. I jokingly picked it up and said ‘Oh a letter to your girlfriend?’, the look on his face said it all! I grabbed the letter and ran into the bathroom while he was scrambling to find something to unlock the door. It was a 13-page letter he had written to this woman (whom I later found out was a clinical psychologist, ironic huh?!?). I read in John’s handwriting “If things don’t work out with my wife maybe we can get together’. I NEVER had a clue! Then at the end of his letter he said “Remember I Love You and will ALWAYS Love You, no matter what happens”. So started our over 20 years of infidelity. I call it infidelity even though he said there was no physical contact, just cards, letters, and gifts(but I was never sure as he did so much work related traveling. Plain and simple its BETRAYAL! Addicts are habitual liars.
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Our children knew the day I found the letter. Our home life was hell. Not so much by what John was doing, he was virtually doing nothing but going to work. I was ranting and crying all the time. We as a family went to see our personal friend who was a Pastor for some counseling (John’s preference was our friend). For me to sit there and have our daughters tell their father what they thought of him and then our son to say ‘ditto’ tore me apart. This was a friend, pastor, and counselor whom John trusted and told me that men need sex and I should have more sex with John. It wont do any good going into detail as it serves no purpose in any recovery process.
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Over the next 20 years I would catch John (in chat rooms, pictures, calls etc.) and the look that would come over his face said it all. To this day he refuses to believe that he got a ‘look’ when he got caught. I would throw him out or our Pastor ‘friend’ would tell him to leave or I threatened to call the police or I’d threaten to leave, always threats. About 5 years ago I caught John AGAIN (John has always stated that he would have ‘bouts’ where he would be promiscuous on the internet but it would only last a couple of months and then “I wouldn’t go on for over a year”, please remember that addicts are liars) it was always a devastating incident for me.
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One particular time after catching John I ran for the car and locked the doors. John was hanging on the door handle and I just took off. I didn’t know where I was going, so I just drove around. I was on a road that I knew John would never look for me and I saw my friends yellow Jeep. We were not close friends more possibly someone I would see in church, but I knew her. She is a very Godly woman. I was so upset I needed her and I needed her deep faith and love for God at that exact moment. I pulled over and rang the doorbell. Out came a sweet little girl and I asked her of her mom was home. She said no but her grandma was there (that shocked me because I would have never guessed she was a grandma!). Out came this beautiful Godly woman, my friend and I just broke down. She asked me how I knew where she was because that wasn’t her house. I just LOVE how God is into every single detail putting my friend’s yellow jeep parked on the road I was driving!!! After sometime of hugging, praying, crying, and praying some more I resolved to leave John, s separation. Our daughter and her family would be up in a week and they would leave the kids with us for a few days and I would take them back home. I told John I was leaving and taking the kids back (on the pre-arranged schedule) by myself and stay with them for a while.
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Being alone at their home while they were at work and the kids at daycare, I had the opportunity to spend much time with God and look for help online. I came across Bravehearts summit and somehow, I got a free pass for the week. After watching for the first day, I was like a sponge soaking up all the help that was being offered. I took the phone and called John and told him that if he wanted me to stay with him and come back, he better get on line and watch. It was what was mentioned in Mentors course work, “Men come for help to Bravehearts, when they receive an ultimatum from their wives/significant other.
Where am I today? My faith is so much fuller and deeper, my knowledge about sexual addiction has grown, I truly understand that the addict cannot do this on his own, and in order to change his life he must be committed to God first, then recovery, and to his wife and family. I can handle whatever is laid before me because I have God at the center of my life. Satan is the ultimate liar and will do anything to get his control. Will I question? of course I will. Will I be suspicious? Yes, that’s human nature - Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”
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I am elated to say John is sober and has been sober. I am so very proud of him. Our lives together have been strengthened through Christ. During the 20+ yrs. of John’s addiction much has gone on, suicidal thoughts and plans, hurt, fear, anger, rage, but the loneliness and despair is smothering. If, through this time in personal growth, learning and understanding, and especially walking with God who strengthens me, I can help just one, it will all have been worth it.
I have read and read and read so much on this topic I came across a line (I wish I knew the reference) which is worth repeating, “You cannot change the past, BUT YOU can change your heart” only with Christ walking beside you and with you every minute of every day.
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After 22 years of marriage when I first found out and remaining married for the last 26 years, are we where we want to be now as a couple? Absolutely Not! God has so much more planned for us, we are here to help others get through his journey so they too can serve our Great God in helping others.
We are both on Redemption Road with God!
who are our clients?
Our clients are strugglers with pornography and sexual addiction, spouses dealing with the trauma of betrayal - those who are committed to changing their lives in order to begin a journey to a redemptive life free of sexual sin. We emphasize committed because this is a journey that isn't overnight and it requires perseverance and work. But the journey is full of rewards.
This is a Christ-Centric and faith based program!
If you have questions about the program or whether you are a fit do not hesitate to schedule a consultation with John or Kathy using the button below. This is a 1 hour session conducted remotely by phone or Zoom with absolutely no commitment.
If you instead want to explore questions without a Consultation please visit our FAQ page where we attempt to address many common inquiries.
If you are ready to look into Redemption Road's service offering please visit our Services page.